Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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