I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What a dumb baby whore.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
