We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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