Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
