an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
