I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
