tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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