So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
