There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
