im drinking this country out of the recession.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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