Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
