My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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