I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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