Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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