Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
