Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
