Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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