3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
