we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
