made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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