Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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