okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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