If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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