i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
