Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
