So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
