This girl is more easily done than said...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
