now i know why i became what i already was.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
