onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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