You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
