I think im going to throw up on grandma
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
