If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
