Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize