fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
