Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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