why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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