Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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