does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
