My friends, they love my intelligence
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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