You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
