I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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