The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
