I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
