You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
