dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
