mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
