remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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