airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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