I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
