and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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