I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize