Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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