the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No I am not eating basil off your cock
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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