Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
