What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I deserve this hangover.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
