i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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