Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
