We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
