For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
