just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
