Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
