Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
