I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
