After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
