So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
