I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
