Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
