So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
