The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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