you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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