I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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