I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize